House of the Sun

the death of the student org | september 24, 2024.

i think i mainly intend to update on what i last wrote here.

the org i was (am?) the president of: we're merging into one of other queer orgs on my college campus. i don't know how much detail i wanna air out on the internet, but i'll sum it up. my org and the one we're merging with once occupied two separate niches -- where they legally could not have any political / activist stance on anything, we could. that distinction doesn't exist. thanks state government! so that, combined with the fact we literally got no one interested in leadership all summer ... it's the best thing for us to amalgamate. these last couple weeks i've been mourning the death of something i created and was really passionate about. in retrospect, i think it was doomed to die from the start, since leadership basically just consisted of me and my friends, and i'm not the best leader of such a group. hindsight is 20/20, and all. but it was a several-day-long struggle to even get the words together to say "look, this shit is dying, and i'm done trying to lead it". but like, it's official. the org bank account was closed yesterday and we've been marked as inactive on the college's student org/events platform. i have washed my hands of this. and yet i am still expected to give other people information i simply do not have?

the org i knew nothing about: there's literally only four people involved in this org now. the minimum we need to have to be a registered org is five i think. half of those four are graduating this spring. this is also a queer org, but much smaller, and more peer-to-peer education focused, but the predicament is practically identical. very niche thing the group provides. not enough people interested. considering merging into the bigger queer org. this one, at least, i think i have the energy to keep up with. i'm not the leader here. but i'm getting the very same "i'm going down with a burning ship" anxiety as i had (still have?) with the first org. i really am interested in sticking around, but is this shit even worth it for my mental sanity?

classes are doing ... fine, i guess.

i'm the only undergraduate in an otherwise graduate-student-only course. the weird shit they have you try to take for your degree concentrations here. but i honestly enjoy the class and like hearing the instructors talk about their real-world jobs in a field i'm actually interested in entering. we had an exam last week. i didn't feel the greatest about it. but there's something somehow reassuring that the grads need B's and above and i can scrape by with a C for the same material.

as for the large chunks of emptiness in my schedule, i'm finding things to fill them. one of my courses is entirely online and lectures are posted three times a week. i've been trying to get notes done during my six fucking hour breaks on tuesday/thursday but it doesn't always happen. i tend to work on stuff for my 8 am class right after it meets, so usually an hour or so is spent on that material. i'm also, like, a madman, and prefer to take my dense, lecture-heavy notes on actual paper in an actual notebook. there's studies or something that shows if you hand write it, you remember it better, i think, but i just like hand-writing notes. it just feels better to me. guess that makes me old school?

anyway. i cried listening to pink pony club in the car this weekend.

i think i'll leave it there.

school routines | august 25, 2024.

as of right now, i've been back in my college town for just over a week, and the semester officially starts tomorrow morning. yay! i finally get to have a routine again. here's to hoping i can kick my anxiety and depression's collective ass.

i feel like i simultaneously have more and less on my plate for the semester? like, i feel like i have both more and less classwork lined up. and i know i have more TA hours. but it's like. my schedule still feels so empty. there's big chunks in the middle of the day that i'm gonna have to fill somehow.

i also don't know that i have the energy in me to keep being the president of one of my orgs, and i don't even know if another org still exists. i'm tired and don't have the emotional effort after all the bullshit that happened in the spring. i'm incredibly tempted to just wash my hands of it. like, i can do the transitions and drop this org into someone else's hands. but i'm scared of doing that at the same time.

anyway.

i have a headache and i've felt perpetually tired since i woke up this morning. tomorrow's the first day of the semester. i'm gonna try not to stay up all night stressing about it.

the two-headed calf | august 12, 2024.

there’s something weirdly fascinating about the two-headed calf.

like, there’s a slim possibility that animals just develop extra parts, and you don’t know until it’s born. and in a lot of cases, those animals just don’t live. now i’m no expert, so this comes from a bit of googling, but two-headed calves are often born with other issues, like heart or gastrointestinal defects. it’s a miracle if these animals live more than a few weeks.

people will pour their hearts and souls into caring for these calves that are pretty much doomed from the moment the second head develops in its mother’s womb. farmers that would otherwise raise their cattle for milk or meat can post a video of the little freak of nature being hand-fed from a bottle and suddenly find themselves with an outpouring of support for the little thing that they know won’t make it. the ones that can afford it may schedule surgeries to fix the heart or digestive problems, but isn’t that just delaying the inevitable?

i think by this point, most people who are familiar with the two-headed calf are also familiar with the poem by laura gilpin. but somehow, the phrase “there are twice as many stars as usual” isn’t what i think of when i think of the two-headed calf.

i think of the countless people who may have felt as helpless as the calf at some point in their lives. people who think they’re doomed; ones who think they’re delaying the inevitable; those who think the end is nigh; kids who think they’re just some freak of nature. some of those people may not be here anymore, and we mourn their loss and celebrate their life.

and the others? they’ve won their battle, at least for now, so we celebrate the victory. but there’s bound to be another time where they feel like the calf again. we’re on top of the world today, but come tomorrow, we could be deep in the pits of hell. but we take it one step at a time anyways.

perhaps that’s the line of the poem i like the most, even though i don’t really think of the poem. “but tonight he is alive in the north field with his mother.” tomorrow doesn’t matter. the two-headed calf lives. tonight, it is here, and it is glorious.

sometimes we really are just like the calf. tomorrow doesn’t matter. tonight, we are here, and we are glorious. we celebrate the little victory of making it through the day.

besides, what’s tomorrow if not another chance to live?

* * *

p.s: i did some art with a two-headed calf. i've genuinely been thinking about this design and these lyrics for weeks now. i think i'd like to get it tattooed one day.

ID: digital drawing of a black-and-white two-headed calf. the calf is laid on its side, its heads on the left and its hind legs on the right. the head that is closer to the viewer has two eyes and two ears visible, and it is around a three-quarters view. the further head is behind the first, with one eye, its mouth and jaw, and one ear visible. both heads have grey fur surrounding their eyes and grey noses/mouths. the words "i'm a stitch away from making it, and a scar away from falling apart" are above and below the calf, respectively. these words are from the fall out boy song "the (after) life of the party".

seasonal depression | june 30, 2024.

there's just something weird about summer. like, we as students celebrate freedom from the obligations of classes and clubs and extracirriculars, but what really can we do with it? sure, we can devote more time to our hobbies, but if all time is free time, even the hobbies get boring.

this is the first summer since graduating high school where i haven't been taking a course over the summer. it's weird. hooray, i don't have to get up at the crack of dawn three times a week to spend five hours straight in a classroom! but also, i miss that, somehow. is that weird? to miss being in classes?

i suppose it isn't too absurd. classes are routine. i thrive in a routine, i'm realizing. there's something grounding about it. if i'm expected to be at class at a certain time, then i have to make sure i'm ready to walk out the door an hour beforehand, and that means getting my ass out of bed, regardless of how comfortable it is. it means setting an alarm and waking up for it and getting ready for the day, and being ready to roll with the punches the day throws at me. some days the punch is just showing up to class, but others it's the onslaught of multiple fighters back-to-back-to-back until something breaks. but i'm used to it.

summer just ... gets rid of any semblance of a routine that i have. i don't work during the summer, so i don't exactly have any responsibilities. i don't set alarms so i wake up whenever. if i'm home alone, i go sit downstairs with the dogs and watch tv. but otherwise, i'm usually just in my room or whatever the hell i call the room with my desk in it. and i've been just playing video games, namely honkai star rail. but what do i do when i get bored of that? browse through my steam library, but nothing seems right. stare blankly at my desktop until something catches my eye? i decided to touch overwatch again for the first time in a few months today. it was fun for a bit, but then it was more frustrating than anything. but i still want to do something, so what do i do?

i go sit in my bed, and i open neocities, and i start typing this. it's good to get the feelings out.

is it so weird that i want it to be august already, so i can move back to college for my senior year? so i can move into my new apartment with my partner? so i can get used to the building and the atmosphere? so i can put all my classes into my calendar and start thinking about my schedule? so i can have my routine again?

my seasonal depression doesn't come in the winter. it hits in the summer, when i'm all alone.